How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
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I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?