thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
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I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.