Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
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If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
worst…sale…ever
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic