My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
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Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?