Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
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therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
The biggest mystery of our time
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.