When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
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me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Rambo Rambow
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.