No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
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Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown