My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
You Might Also Like
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.