An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
You Might Also Like
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn