Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
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“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
why isn’t thunder called soundning
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate