When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
You Might Also Like
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Easy enough.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.