We got caught Brian, just act normal..
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*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”