[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
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what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
mechanics be like
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.