2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
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dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.