Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
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*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Snapes on a plane.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.