Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
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Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry