Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
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I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Well, this explains it:
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble