Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
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I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.