Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
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If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.