The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
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Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
remember
only for emergencies
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
you will never know the true number of layers
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Seems a bit forward
Not my job 😂
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.