if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
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Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”