“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
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Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting