Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
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There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Omg 🤣
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about