Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
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This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫