*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
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[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it