If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
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“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.