*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
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Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
when you order from DoorDastardly
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.