So the ex texted me
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She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…