You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
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Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Finally a use for spoilers…
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE