Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
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[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
If you breakdance you buy dance.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.