Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
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No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.