i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
You Might Also Like
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.