I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
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How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
me after eating Cheetos
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—