I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
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Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
My safe word is Worcestershire
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.