[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
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Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.