A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
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I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour