When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
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In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Alexa; make it look like an accident
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in