Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
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Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.