Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
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Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Oh my god
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
School be like
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].