ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
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me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Leaving the Barbers like
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I like long walks away from everyone
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
One venti cheeseburger please.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual