Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
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[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.