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By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there