Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
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Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls