Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
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Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed