Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
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I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
They got a point!
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?