“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
You Might Also Like
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀