*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
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‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.