Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
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Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Not now. I’m deglazing.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.