A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
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A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Milk Cube
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers