When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
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I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
A Short Story.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!